Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Randomize
