call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
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