Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Bang-toberfest begins!!
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
