Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
