I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
