just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
