I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
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