you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
I think im going to throw up on grandma
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
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