If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
