dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Randomize
