my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
