My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
