so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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