it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I am midnight drunk by noon
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
