listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
