mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
