Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
