Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
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