This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
