He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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