idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
