if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
