His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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