I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
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