you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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