Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
farters have to be the big spoon...
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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