watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
