we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
