I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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