Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
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