actually, I'm a sock model
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
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