wake up i wanna do it froggy style
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Randomize
