that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
smell my finger.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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