in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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