Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
