if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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