He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
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