I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Randomize
