"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Randomize