I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
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