I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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