I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
being pregnant is like rehab
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
