If i come over, it means nothing
I'm jealous of your bromance
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I think my nap took me to another dimension
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
