I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
All I want is dick and wine.
Randomize
