I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
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