woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
Randomize
