And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
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