We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Randomize