Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
