i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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