wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
