Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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