Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
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