I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
