He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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