I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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