wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
