dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
and you fell through a lawn chair
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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