Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
