Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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