I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
