went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
operation have a gay friend backfired
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
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