five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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